Such is the wasteland of science funding, that I applied to Bromley Borough Council two weeks ago for a week’s project grant to see if I could replicate the CERN experiment that has reportedly turned Einstein’s theory of special relativity on its head.

I am pleased to report that councillors were persuaded by this opportunity to put the southern most London borough on the map. Indeed , the Mayor has commissioned a feasibility study to see if there is a case for a South Norwood prize for science given the price of airfares to Norway. Who knows BBC may become the next research council.

A brief snapshot of my paper follows:

Authors: S Denegri, N Denegri, W Denegri, H Denegri, P Denegri, H Denegri, M Denegri, BDB Denegri, F Denegri (any relation between the authors is purely coincidental)

Funder acknowledgements: Bromley Borough Council, Homebase (consumables)

Abstract

This experiment attempted to replicate recent research suggesting that subatomic particles can travel faster than the speed of light. The authors conclude that the experiment is not replicable in a domestic setting but that time travel may still be possible.

Experimental Method

Minute food particles were catapulted at high velocity through a 7.32Metre length of the EELPP (Europe’s Extremely Long Piece of Pipe) taken from a washing machine. The pipe was laid across the kitchen floor with its open aperture aimed at a wobbley baking tray. Near-perfect atmospheric conditions were attained through closure and appropriate sealing of all doors and windows.

Results

Although particles of super broccoli were found to attain a speed close to that of the speed of light all other particles did not hit the baking tray earlier than expected. Some matter found to be on the tray afterwards was forensically determined to have been there prior to the start of the experiment.

Conclusion

The authors report that many food particles never re-emerged from the EELPP and conjecture that they may have been lost in the passage of time. They further reflect that this may constitute evidence of the possibility of time travel. They further conclude that food particles reaching the speed of light should hitherto be known as the Willetts effect. Finally they surmise that the London Examination Board was right in it’s decision to award the lead author a grade ‘c’ in his physics ‘o’level in 1983. There is no need for Einstein to turn in his grave just yet.

Public engagement

The public and some animals were involved in the design and conduct of this trial. No harm was done to any of those involved who all participated involuntarily.

Further details

A full copy of the paper can be obtained by subscribing to the International Journal of Science from Bromley for £32.50 per article.